I was born into a family with an older brother, and an older sister. We have the same mom, but different dads. I never looked at them as Half siblings, however they were a bit older than me. 3 years after I was born, along came my younger sister Shelby. Logann used to babysit us a lot, and man she was bossy. I was the younger sister, following her around, stealing her boots, or getting into her things. She moved out of our house and lived with some friends for a bit. I loved going to visit her and play at the house! It was so nice!
As I grew up into the hellish teenager I was, Logann saw how my behavior was affecting me, my family along with everything else in my life. We took some time apart, which at the time made me hate her even more. However, I was out of control. Looking back now, I am so embarrassed by the way I acted in my "rebellious " years. I see now exactly why she and others separated themselves from me.
Thankfully, I grew up!! Man oh man am I lucky to have the people in my life that I did. They forgave me for all the terrible things I had said and done, and we were able to work through it and move on. I became best friends with my sister. It was the most wonderful thing!
I would call her when I needed advice. It didn't matter what time of day it was. I unexpectedly became pregnant in 2008 and was absolutely terrified to tell my family. Here I was living in Nevada with my fiancé, and didn't know what to expect. I called Logann very first to tell her. I was scared of what she would say, or hearing disappointment about it. She was so excited! She helped calm me down and realize that it was a blessing and not to be scared. When I had Harper, I was lost!! I didn't know what to do, he'd get a fever, id call Logann. bump on the head, call Logann. She always calmed me down and helped me through it.
Her and I are a lot different, looking at us, a lot of people didn't realize we are sisters! We have different views on so many things. she is a bit more conservative than I am, but I can talk with her about anything. She's my secret keeper and my confidant.
I went through another rough patch in life battling through depression. I hit rock bottom and ended up in the hospital after trying to commit suicide. Not many people know about that, it was a very hard time in my life. My mom came to help me and visit, and Logann was able to come with her and surprise me. She had sewn me a special blanket, that just brought me peace. I am so thankful krill that my mom and her were able to be there with me through that time.
I remember when Logann was very first diagnosed with breast cancer. It was just right around her birthday. She had planned to go to the dr, stay in Provo and make her way to Elko to visit! We were so excited to have her family there with us! It was early in the morning when she called and woke me up. She was upset and let me know they wouldn't be able to make it up. The Drs had found a lump, and they were 99% sure it was cancerous. After it was confirmed, I went through a slew of emotions. I went and bought everything breast cancer awareness I could find. I sent Logann cancer jokes trying to lift her mood, but would break down when it would hit me. I didn't know how to handle this, so I didn't. I started drinking, a lot. Trying to cope with things, being in another state, and seeing how things were progressing, was a lot. I'd do my best to make it to surgeries, and just being there are as I could.
She started chemo and lost her hair. I remember she had a haircut appointment to cut her hair off before it started to fall out. She had such long, beautiful red hair. She had an appointment, and I decided to cut my hair to donate as well. It ended up that we nhad the same day and time for an appointment to have it done! I'm not a religious person, I'm a sign person. To me that was a sign. She lived in a wonderful town, who set up so many things for people to donate towards her family. What a blessing that was!!
Cancer free!!! After a long, strenuous battle, losing hair, surgergy, chemo, radiation, healing, sickness, yit was done, she beat it! No she kicked cancers ass!! Holy smokes, how awesome is that!!
We decided we needed to be closer to family, and moved from Elko to tropic! That was a tough decision, but I'm so thankful we did! I got a job, and Logann babysat for me. It was great the kids had quality time with their aunt, uncle and cousins. Logann started to complain of back pain a little here and there, but took it as sleeping wrong, or a pinched nerve type thing. I remember her taking family pictures for us, and my in laws. We were laughing and messing around when she ended up dropping her camera. She bent down and something popped, or cracked, just a weird sound. She came over to my in laws with us and visited. She could hardly move, her back hurt so bad. I called her an old lady, and helped her up from the couch. A few days later, she went to the dr., where unfortunately bad news came back with it. My mom called to tell me not only was the cancer back, it had metastasized. And basically started to disintegrate her vertebrae in her back. She would need surgery, and chemo along with lots of other medical things. A few days later, we got a call that Anthony had gotten a good job in st George, and we would be moving within the week. How could I leave my sister when she just got this diagnosis again!?! I loved st George and still being close to family.
I remember missionaries at our house. First, we had wonderful girls come visit. They would talk to us and it was nice. They were sent to us at that time for a reason. They didn't push religion on us, but not knowing many people there, I was able to talk with them, and a few of our neighbors there. my mom called me one night and told me the news. The cancer had spread and the outcome was not good. It broke my heart. How do I cope with knowing one day, possibly soon, my sister, best friend would no longer be here.
We ended up moving back to elko after Anthony got a wonder Job. It was hard to leave, but it was too good to pass up. We would come back every two months and visit. It was so hard. Seeing how Logann was doing in pictures versus how she looked in person, was so hard. There was a time when we bought we would need to prepare for the worst. After fighting so hard, things started looking up. However, I started a something called pre-grieving.
"Anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss. Typically, the impending loss is a death of someone close due to illness."
She was still here, but knowing what the outcome was, I just couldn't handle it. My anxiety and depression took control. Thankfully, for me, after another beyond rock bottom time, I checked into a hospital and got help. There I learned about ore grieving, and how deal with it. There my husband learned how to help me work through it, and help me. It was a hard time, but it learned so much from it.
It was too hard for me to be so far away from what was going on. We decided to buy a house in tropic to be closer. It was a bit more of a hassle than we thought it would be, but we did it! Now I am only 10 minutes away.
I ended up pushing Logann away. I wanted to be closer, but reality sank on. It was so difficult knowing, looking at her kids, her husband. Here I was depressed knowing I will loose my sister, but what about them? She has such amazing kids! They all have such different, fun personalities. Can you imagine what the have to deal with? Seeing their mom sick. Her husband had everything put onto him. He has done so amazing taking care of everything. He is helping his kids work through things as well as everything himself.
I am so beyond thankful to have the opportunity to be here. Some days it's hard being away from my husband. However, whatever time I am able to spend with my sister and her family is beyond measurable.
I often try to push my feelings aside, then it hits me. Cancer is such a terrible thing. I think about whats going to happen when she's gone. When my kids are older, will they remember aunt Logann making them toast, teaching them how to say prayers, laying in bed and snuggling with her. Who will I call when I need advice? Who will I call to complain about my husband or girls or whatever dumb thing I need to complain about.
A lot of people turn to religion when going through things like this. For me, having doubts already, it's easier to push it away. I believe in heaven. Oh I think it is so wonderful and beautiful! However, I've pushed away missionaries now. I no longer want to visit with them. For me, I'm angry. What type of God, would do this? Cause my sister to be in so so SO much pain. Physically, and mentally. I am so angry that my niece, nephews and brother in law will eventually loose their mom and wife. That I will loose my sister.
If you've met Logann, or even heard of her, you've seen what a fighter she is. How she has fought so damn hard to beat this, and you know, she will. She has cancer, but cancer never had her. It will never have her. As she continues to fight, I will continue to help in ways that I can. If you're reading this, and able to do the same, please do! Dinner, lunch, dessert, visiting time, time to have max just go relax with her, oh it is so appreciated.
This may not make sense, but for me, it gets it out of my mind. I am so beyond blessed to have the family i do, the friends I do. People who try to understand my feelings and just talk or visit with me, or loganns family. I'm not the best at dealing with things, and I'm sure it will continue to get harder, but I will have this to look back on, my memories, letters and pictures. I am excited to continue those things on! 💜
